I am just existing wishing I wasnt. I am not suicidal, but I am not well. I dont know what I am, I just know im sinking. I dont know why I feel the way I do. I dont even know what I feel. Its hard to describe a state like this even though this is my “normal”. Its “me” unfortunately. This is what ive felt like my whole life and as painful & destructive as it is… it kind of feels like home...I dont want to be this way… but I do!
I want to be like this, no I dont! But no matter how hard I try to change it, be positive, put a smile on my face, get my shit together, go for a walk, exercise, eat healthy, meditate or what ever other stupid advice people will feel inclined to give. I cant shake this feeling & every time I try im even lower than when I started. Its a toxic cycle of convincing myself I CAN DO IT! Then failing again & finding the courage to try again five minutes later only feel 10 times worse then I did before. I am so terrified of failing (living) then I do the only thing my family thinks im good at. Being a dissapointment.
Sometimes… I just get sick of being me. I get trapped in web of self hatred, finger looming over the self destruct button, so tempting to push it!
I dont enjoy it but it feels... comfortable. Discomfort is what I know best.
Uncomfortable in my own skin, perpetually inadequate, crippled by fear of not being good enough, hating myself so much I just want to punish myself because I dont feel like I deserve to be happy… but I want to be, no I dont… im sick of reaching for happiness and constantly missing it. Im sick of doing everything right and it always being wrong! Im sick of living to survive. Just because im not always fighting for my life doesnt mean im not fighting FOR a life.
I switch between two extremes 1. motivated & determined for lack of a better description to “have it all” then when it seems within reach I am terrified of loosing it or having it taken away I tear it down myself. Then im so disappointed in myself I just stop living & hide from the world hoping no will notice ive gone but secretly yearning for connection I dont want because im terrified of letting anyone in.
It’s CLEAR as can be...I’m lovin’ my vintage #vinylkelly already! 👜😍
(Can you believe it’s 21 years old?)
Wow!! Thank you so much for the amazing response to this bag and the Louis Vuitton Bag I revealed in my latest YouTube video! I know both these bags aren’t for everyone and are probably considered pretty trendy bags but I love that both are a bit different plus the history behind them. For those who haven’t seen my video (click the link in my bio to watch) I go through where I bought it, the price I paid and why Hermes created it in the first place. I’ll still be rocking this bag even if the transparency trend goes out. #wearwhatyoulove#itsgoodweallhavedifferenttastes#youtuber#melinmelbourne
Вообщем я решила отказаться от пакетов полиэтиленовых !!!! ( по крайней мере попытаюсь))) 😁 вдохновила меня на ЭКО сумки (пакеты) @ineshka__ 😘 ну и конечно надоело уже лицезреть дома пакет с пакетами 🙈 и каждый раз брать на кассе новый. ВСЕ буду ходить со своим ЭКО 👌🏻💚💚💚 Как вам ? 😁😁😁 👍🏻 или 👎🏻 ?
You know how when something has been sitting on your to-do list for forever, it just feels heavier + heavier? ✈️ Just finally booked all SIX of our flights + all our ABB’s for Paris + Spain!!!
Headed to Paris to write my style book for you! Then Spain for a wedding + our anniversary. (Can’t wait to bring you along!)
For the last week I have been working so focused my brain is mush come 6pm. But when you get in the zone + are really crossing things off your to do list + making progress, it feels SO GOOD!
Hoping this encourages someone to, as my mother would say, “blitz” today + start knocking off things that have been sitting on your list for forever. They aren’t AS big as they seem, that’s just the weight of failure + shame that’s been piling upon seeing them there for so long, or the sunk cost of starting without the endorphin win of finishing.
TIP 1: Set a timer. Give yourself 10 or 30 min to run around the house + clean up or whatever the task is.
TIP 2: Commit to finishing. I spent countless hours working on our flights or ABBs but then we wouldn’t decide + when I’d go back I’d forget why X flight didn’t work + half the ABB’s I’d saved would be booked + I’d want to check if there were new ones... Gah! Fight to get the info you need + make a decision. I was a booking fiend for about 90 minutes, while on video chat with Beau as my backup brain, + felt such accomplishment when done!
TIP 3: Write down your next steps. We had a brainstorming sesh about our wedding yesterday + then I wrote on a post-it our next steps (you text him, I’ll Google this, I’ll ask the vendor that Q). Had I not, this morning I’d already been swimming-brained on what we said we’d do next.
TIP 4: What helps or works for you? Share it below as we all need it!
Thursday’s are for making things happen, m’dear! (wink)
QUESTION: Where are you traveling to this summer? ✈️ Or what would your dream destination be? #ElegantExcellence#DeanStTravelBetty
🥊 Нурмагомедов подтвердил, что сразится с Макгрегором, с которым у него последний месяц разворачивается серьезный конфликт. С местом проведения боя уже определились
Happy Thursday💖 #giveaway reminder, today is last day to enter! Be sure to scroll back several posts and enter on original post💞Winner will be announced tomorrow via my instastory 🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻 Good luck everyone & have a fabulous day😘
Jackal wrote in chat that Cav requires no skill 😂 he had the advantage on me. Oh, and he lost his diamond against me 🤫
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