I am just existing wishing I wasnt. I am not suicidal, but I am not well. I dont know what I am, I just know im sinking. I dont know why I feel the way I do. I dont even know what I feel. Its hard to describe a state like this even though this is my “normal”. Its “me” unfortunately. This is what ive felt like my whole life and as painful & destructive as it is… it kind of feels like home...I dont want to be this way… but I do!
I want to be like this, no I dont! But no matter how hard I try to change it, be positive, put a smile on my face, get my shit together, go for a walk, exercise, eat healthy, meditate or what ever other stupid advice people will feel inclined to give. I cant shake this feeling & every time I try im even lower than when I started. Its a toxic cycle of convincing myself I CAN DO IT! Then failing again & finding the courage to try again five minutes later only feel 10 times worse then I did before. I am so terrified of failing (living) then I do the only thing my family thinks im good at. Being a dissapointment.
Sometimes… I just get sick of being me. I get trapped in web of self hatred, finger looming over the self destruct button, so tempting to push it!
I dont enjoy it but it feels... comfortable. Discomfort is what I know best.
Uncomfortable in my own skin, perpetually inadequate, crippled by fear of not being good enough, hating myself so much I just want to punish myself because I dont feel like I deserve to be happy… but I want to be, no I dont… im sick of reaching for happiness and constantly missing it. Im sick of doing everything right and it always being wrong! Im sick of living to survive. Just because im not always fighting for my life doesnt mean im not fighting FOR a life.
I switch between two extremes 1. motivated & determined for lack of a better description to “have it all” then when it seems within reach I am terrified of loosing it or having it taken away I tear it down myself. Then im so disappointed in myself I just stop living & hide from the world hoping no will notice ive gone but secretly yearning for connection I dont want because im terrified of letting anyone in.
I laid in the grass trying to entice Luca to stalk me. I tucked my head down & held the camera at a weird angle, hence the fuzzy items in the foreground. Despite the wonky elements, Luca looks frighteningly beautiful in this one. Make no mistake- for a bit there, he descends to a place where his programmed instincts, not his learned emotions for me, are the driving force of his entire being. In those moments, he's like like a red-eyed Iron Giant & I'm his Hogarth. .