#breakfast was the same as yesterday with those lovely #oats 😍😍 So at the moment I’m at an elementary school were I help for my study and it has been weeks since I been here so I’m kinda anxious and scared of the kids🤭 I’m affraid the don’t like me or think I have gained so much weight🙃 but ohwell
Also I’m avoiding a boy who, at this moment, doesn’t have a good influence in my life but I’m scared he will get angry and I’m scared of him. Keep you guys updated about that!
Have lovely morning guys♥️
Over the last few days the WiFi hadn’t been working in the house after we had some rain ☔️ which I thought would bother me a lot more than it has but honestly I don’t have that much time so when I am on social media I feel like I just cram in as much as I can see which just puts me in more of a rush. I also havnt had the need to look st my phone which not only make me more productive but before I would check it without even getting any notifications which is a bit pointless. I always use my phone and laptop before I go to sleep as a way to wind down but I’ve even been going to sleep a bit earlier too which I have needed being quite tired.
In the mornings I havnt been looking at my phone I usually stretch out my body and then go on my phone but today I actually woke up early enough and went on a walk with my mum which was nice :) Don’t get me wrong I would never not use my phone and I love social media it’s such a good platform but listening to many people suggest the benefits I think they’re right!
Anyways breakfast has been quite average, today I decided to make a banana chocolate yoghurt bowl (blended @alpro yoghurt, banana, cacao powder, cinnamon and oats) I wish my banana was frozen... have a good day l lovelies xx
It's been over a month since I've worn any kind of shoes. A+ mental health indicator. Had QuEDS meeting. Went to shit. Crying. Telling them to take me off the list I'm over it. I'm so so over it. I'll eat my way out of hospital here then not-eat my way back into heart failure and at least die close to home. Saw my weigh in this morning. Not helping (gain - not surprising given I'm spending almost all day every day in bed) but I was still upset by the number. Kicked hand sanitizer off the wall. Saw beautiful Registra after meeting. Cried and cried and reiterated I want QuEDS and Brisbane out of the picture. He's so lovely, really but as a registra he can't call any shots and I'm not a fan of my consultant. Basically turned the poor doc into a psychologist. Had dinner. Purged. Refused Resource so theres probably an ng tube in my future but I'll just purge that too. Atm they don't have consent for mechanical restraints. They can get it easily they say but I'm hoping not easily after 500pm. #anorexia#anorexianervosa#eatingdisorder#inpatient
Un début de semaine bien plus agréable que ce week end, j’ai pu voir ma psy et m’occuper assez pour éviter les mauvaises pensez.
Mardi soir je suis aller à l’avant première des Crimes de Grindlwald avec mon meilleur ami, non seulement j’ai passer une super soirée mais en plus le film était absolument super, autant visuellement que le scénario, c’est toujours aussi extasiant de ce replonger dans cet univers ! 🔮
Aujourd’hui ce sera kiné, puis psychiatre, je ne vais pas voir le temps passer !
Passez une excellente journée ✨
Life with an eating disorder, if you can call it life, is similar to a puppet show. You are the dancing, smiling puppet, and your disorder is the puppeteer. It calls the shots and pulls the strings. It tells you when you’re going to eat and how much. It even writes the script, putting its own values where yours used to be. All of a sudden, you don’t care about your health, your friends or your dreams. All you care about is being thin, and you don’t even really know how it happened, when, or why. So there you go, smiling as your bony body bounces around onstage. Some clap at your slenderness, while most stare in horror at what you’ve become. They don’t know that you go backstage and cry because you’re tired, hungry and scared.
It started out so simple- in high school with the desire to be thin, and ended up as a powerful, inner, self-loathing endless mental battle. I slowly began to lose not only my weight, but my reality, my mind, my friends as well as anything and everything that I cared and loved. Anorexia had 100% control of me and my life. I was no longer myself. I was an eating disorder, a lying, destructive, conniving eating disorder. It was an out of body experience, a loss of control.The eating disorder was there for me, protecting me from this uncontrollable world.
But one day I looked in the mirror and saw a skull and there was nothing left from the girl I was. I was just skin and bones. I started crying and praying to God to help me get back the happy and healthy girl used to be. When that happened I was 2 weeks away from death.The moment I saw the real face of anorexia , I’ve decided that I want my life back.
Then I started my recovery that involved weight gain- one of the hardest thing.As absolutely ridiculous as it sound at that point in my life I’d have rather had almost anything else happen to me besides gaining weight and ditching my food rules and control.I had come to believe that if I let go of the control I had on food, the weight gain would never stop.
But I didn’t just gain weight..I gain life .I gain FREEDOM.
I’ve been sitting on the edge of a panic attack for hours because I don’t trust calorie counts for foods and I’m questioning how much it varies based on where it’s grown, how, etc and I know that’s probably irrational but fuck it’s got me anxious as hell and I don’t know whether to just trigger myself and get it over with or let it run its course •
Hi everyone long time no post (if you actually noticed lol) but I’ve been trying to focus on actually recovering properly and I’ve found it so hard to balance what social media content I’m exposed to so as to not put myself in a bad place.
Even if I’m connecting with the right people I just still get so overwhelmed with all the messages and honestly it was really needed to just get my head out of it for my own good and get a sense of real life for a while y’know haha?
Anyway I guess I’m back - will do a bit more of an update tomorrow and PLEASE FORGIVE ME for only responding to the caring DMs now.
I really get so irritatingly drained and want to put thought into what I reply 💕
P.S yes my Halloween wig, and sorry for the dark circles which I didn’t even attempt to conquer with a filter lmao
it’s absolutely devastating
and life changing
when the person
that promised would ALWAYS be there
it makes you question everything
from that point on
i haven’t felt the same since
people come and go
but the person that has been with you since the beginning
decides you aren’t enough
is when you begin to ask yourself if you’ve ever been enough at all.
i’m angry that i cry so much over this
i’m in shock and disbelief
that the one person i ever truly trusted with all of my soul
it completely shifts your perception
and on yourself.
i pray that no one has to ever experience this kind of a tragedy
because it ruins a person
and destroys their self worth.
this morning i woke up 10 minutes late.
i was stressed.
i rushed through my shower, cried while blow drying my hair and groaned when i through on my school uniform.
i though to myself, should i bother with breakfast? should i prepare lunch?
i almost didn't. ana was very loud. but i said no!! i want to recover.
на завтрак творог с ежевикой и десерт.
учимся допоздна, еще и на концерт идём. нас постоянно водят по выставкам, музеям. я бы с радостью туда ходил, если бы это было интересно.
сейчас доделаю домашнюю работу и пойду грызть гранит науки.
I am seriously considering doing a @beatingeatingdisorders fundraiser in February for eating disorder awareness week.
I’m not sure what yet, but I know I will do something.
I want to do assembly’s and educate people.
I want everyone to know the truth about anorexia.
I want to break all the stereotypes floating around school
I will stand in front of my year and educate them on this deadly illness
I will tell them that I have fought every day for a year to win my life back.
Society is SO uneducated about eating disorders
I want people to know what an eating disorder is.
I want to help people spot them
I want to raise money for an amazing charity.
I want to make a difference
I need help deciding what to do for the fundraiser
I know that i will be vulnerable and scared presenting this to my school, but I need them to understand
I need to break the stereotypes because they haunt me every day at school.
I want to show everyone that recovery is possible.
I want to help people that could go through it too.
Please message me with ideas
Stay strong I love you
Bonjour comment allez vous ? 🐼
Petite nuit pour moi 😴. J'aurais aimer dormir plus mais mon copain refuse que je ne prenne pas mon petit déjeuner 🍞. Il m'oblige à me lever à 8h même si je n'en ai pas envie 😥. Et il a raison évidement 👍
Ce matin je me suis pesée après presque une semaine sans le faire 😨. Et je tombe des nu... J'ai franchi le "seuil" que je ne voulais pas dépasser 😭 je fais actuellement 39,5kg 📉. A la dernière pesée j'en faisais 40,5kg... 😢 Je sais que mon copain va me tuer... Il est pas le seul à avoir envie de faire ça... 😔 Quand j'ai vu ce poids s'afficher j'ai cru m'écrouler. Je me donnais comme objectif de ne SURTOUT PAS passer en dessous des 40. Ça voudrais dire que j'ai tout rater : j'ai donc TOUT RATER 😭. A 10h30 j'ai rendez vous avec un infirmier dans un centre medico social 🏥. J'espère qu'il saura m'aider et trouver des solutions 😦 mais sans qu'il soit question d'hospitalisation 😟.
Voici mon #petitdéjeuner :
• petits suisses fraise 🍓 | • jus de pomme 🍏 | • toast brioché avec ovo maltine 🍫
Je suis démotiver alors que je sais que je dois me battre encore plus fort 😣.
Cet après midi on emmène notre amie a l'aéroport ✈.
Et vous, votre programme ? ☺
Bonne journée 😘