And I just can’t tell
My insides are at war with themselves
Flowers left upon the digital doorstep
And yet there is little said
My mind races through so many possibilities that my chest is heavy and aches with dread
Because as much as I act like I am heartless, I am not
How could I be after I have eaten so many for so long?
This is what I feared, this is why I waited
Sweat glistens on my brow as I craft the smallest of messages
Trying to cram as much information into it as I can
Does she want me?
Does she fear for me?
Does she want another?
I mean she is prettier than me by leaps and bounds, so I wouldn’t me surprised if I wasn’t an option because who can compete with eyes like that, especially when mine feel clouded from all the worry in my heart
The silence is deafening, ringing in my ear like the third round of a boxing match
But why must I push and chase
I don’t want to be that way
But I don’t want to lose this chance
Because I haven’t felt this good inside since before I was filled with all the black snakes of shame and self doubt. Climbing over and around one another within the confines of my poor quality skin.
She found herself time better spent.
While I sit and count the knuckle bones
Attempting to decipher the future from the remains of another.
The bones never lie
And mine feel weak around her
The bones never lie
And hers were beauty to behold
The bones never lie
But I can’t read them anymore.
That is a lie, I can read them, I simply ignored their warnings
Because I hoped
And my hope is toxic to the taste
Because my hope is just a mask placed gently on the face of denial
They say love finds you when you stop looking for it
But I need to remember that life isn’t easy
And that the world will test my resolve
The universe will bait me ever so slightly
Just to watch me throw myself at something beautiful without permission
In hopes that even the smallest piece might rub off on me.
Because I am weak; of heart, of body, and of mind
Even as I write across the foggy mirror of my bathroom: “if you don’t love yourself who will?” Not to cause self love, but to remind me that I don’t deserve what I crave.
my #thoughtforthursday comes courtesy of this graphic from @coach_james_smith
Do you agree? How does it make you feel? I truly feel that there are very very few people who are overweight because of a genetic condition, medication or illness. I also think that we live in a society that makes it incredibly easy to 'blame' someone else rather than take responsibility for our own choices. I used to say I was overweight because I'd had children and my body shape and hormones had changed...what a crock of shit!! I was overweight because I ate a ton of crap and did absolutely nothing!!! Simple as that. I still eat McDonald's, KFC or Burger King occasionally, I still eat chocolate or biscuits most days...but what I don't do now is eat the whole packet then open another, and I do make sure I get some exercise into every day...whether that's with a @Piloxing class, some time in the gym or simply going out for a walk, you'll even find me running up and down my stairs if I can't be bothered to leave the house (sorry neighbours!!) #shareyouthoughts#responsibilitystartswithyou#fitorfat#myfault#yourfault#whosefault#obesitycrisis#modernlife#choiceisyours#notmyfault#excuses
**trigger warning... Domestic violence story***
On this very day, 4years ago was the day I discovered what #DV really looks like!
I had been #dating a man, whom I loved, but what I did not see was his reign of subtle #manipulation and #narcissistic behaviour over me. In fact, when he turned his lies around to be about me, or my fault, I started to believe that only he could really see ‘me’ and that he was my saviour (Oh, he was good!)
On that fateful day 4 years ago, I was a #bridesmaid for a best friend’s wedding and was on cloud nine, but after returning home that night tired and drunk that all changed very quickly! …I will never #forget the sound my head made as it hit that door frame and the sheer relief I felt too as his arms finally came away from my neck and I could once again breathe – until the #pain hit.
The #moments and hours that followed, happened as if I was experiencing them ‘#outofbody’ but none more so then when I heard him utter the words to me…“don’t you ever f* lay your hands on me again do you hear me! You had NO right to #touch me and #push me the way you did and the fact you fell after doing so just goes to show how drunk you really were”. My god, it was #myfault again!
#abuse isn’t about @physical scars, but the #emotional ones. The degradation of your #selfesteem and your #soul.
Fastforward 4 years and I am now away from that and #happy. Today, instead, I work to honor and #celebrate the #survivors of #familyabuse and #domesticviolence.
So this White Ribbon Day I am hosting a HIGH TEA FOR DV in Brisbane, QLD and your #support is needed.
Sunday 25th November
Alexandra Hills Hotel
2.00pm – 5.00pm $65.00/person
Includes: high tea, drink on arrival, music, guest speakers (including the incredible Tracey Horton (@traceyhorton8) with her own survival story), lucky door prizes, raffles and you own mini soul reading by one of Soul Events (@souleventsau) attending psychics.
Buy your ticket(s) today:www.soulevents.com.au/high-tea-for-dv and these #victims need YOUR #help! Trust me…I used to be one of them. xx
- Inspired. Happy birthday 🎂🎉 to a real one yo @eminem. This song is inspired by the man that they call, Stan. ⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️ Inspired. #txliciousofficial#hiphop#inspired#embeat#beats#vancouverisland#getslum#volcom#slummerlovin#slimshady#eminem#stan#myfault#posivibes#slumericano#espresso#hiphopmusic#originalmusic#mystyle#fuckapunk#imadoitmyway#shadyrecords#shade45 @slimshady.1972 ⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️ I said it back in 97, we're living in heaven, since we've been given, this man that, they call Stan,
With his conviction, ever-y-day i learn a lesson or two, an i write it all down on my jerk it off hand,
juss so i can remember,
juss so i can be saved,
this embarrassment of being like you, all selfish, through an thru,
What you think im gonna do for you?
Make no mistake, i ain't like anything like these fucking fools,
Ima juss do it loose, cause in my world, i rule the flow, of i hate you's,
an when you pause an say:
"omg whats he gonna wear,
omg, whats he gonna say today?"
Yer like "Oh im juss so afraid, can't we all juss be the fucking same?" Fuck you bitch, huh? What you juss say? ima fucking live my life my way... Ch:
Fuck you bitch, ima do this shit my way, don't even speak my name,
Ima bringing my own game,
Ima keep it inspired by mE.
Sometimes the light is all you'll remember when the day starts to come to an end. Being dragged across the floor begging your own acquaintances to stop. As they leave you bruised and internally hurt, you grow up and that is all you know as normal. Being pinned down being told everything will be okay as your brain can't even breath any more to give you enough sense that this is wrong. Was then taught that my body was nothing. My depression was nothing. Phases. What had happened was real but came to the conclusion it was my fault. Wandering the earth searching for the sun in my life but I could never find it. Walking through life with that face of hate and regret. As you grow you think you know it all but you really dont know what the half of what some people are capable of doing to you. Gasping for air, tears rolling down your face, but then hearing they love you seems to make that all disappear. Everyday the sun goes down but that cloud still lingers. That feeling of being choked and told you were nothing over and over. What a world to be alive in... 10.16.18 #MissMartinez🌹🥀💀(When I am writing do not take it as my life story. Some things may be true on this page but a lot is just expression of things I have seen or heard or come up with) #ChicagoWriters#HeartAche#Fuckwithit#Rapeisnotokay#MyFault#WordPorn#Sunlight
Fuck’N ouch!!! 🤦🏼♀️😫😠
Who put that tree there!? & yessss I should have been looking at my passenger mirror as well as my driver side. But it’s one of those stalls that they built around the tree....grrrr. My 1st ouch in 3 yrs of having my truck.. I’m sad! 😢#rushing#myFault#chevy#nanakuliSacNSave