I caught up with my amazing friend Jen (@hms.logbook) the other day & I told her that I’m working on being alone. I want to get to a place where I can be alone, but not feel lonely. Where I can be alone & be happy. I’m not quite there yet & if I’m being completely honest, it feels like it’s a long way away, but I’m working on it & just taking it day by day. I want to feel whole & complete on my own. I want to find my happiness from within. If my happiness is dependent on my external circumstances or my partner - I don’t think I’ll ever really be satisfied, so I’m working on breaking this cycle.
Jen shared with me that the word “Alone” comes from “All-One”. I was like “That’s it!!!” That is totally what I’m working on - being ALL ONE - being complete & whole & happy on my own. I don’t want to feel like I need a partner or a certain level of professional success or a certain number on the scale to feel like I’m complete or happy. Those things are great, but I want my sense of wholeness & happiness to be present no matter what I’m experiencing in life.
Instead of entering into my next relationship with a void that needs to be filled, I’m going to heal that part of myself that is needy & codependent & enter it feeling whole & complete. This is hard - especially when I could very easily fall into another relationship to fill the void that is present right now. Someone once told me “the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.” They were kinda joking but kinda serious & I could take that route but I’d just be numbing out to the fact that there’s work that I need to do. I’m not taking the “easy” route in life anymore. I’m doing the work now so I can reap the reward in my next relationship and in my life in general. I’m already seeing a shift and the fact that I’m devoted to this path says a lot about who I am, what I’m going to attract into my life and what I deserve. As I raise the bar for myself I raise my standards across the board. Doing this work is allowing to rewire my circuitry - and to let go of old self defeating patterns. It’s not easy, but it’s powerful and so so so worth it.