I'm stumbling over words, nervous. Your genuine laugh as I make a stupid joke. My heart feels like its just about to implode, but then I slow down and remember that infatuation isn't real. It's a replica of something much more. It's the warm-up before the workout.
Green fatigue smothers the mind as purple smoke drifts in the breeze. The earth comforts with shimmering grass, but these illusions never last.
Time begins its chaotic spin. Voices call out. Many languages and dialects I hear.
A dragonfly hovers, my eyes become hers.
I was in a toxic relationship with someone who policed what I wore and how I acted. He had a picture in his head of what I should be, what a woman should be. But I didn’t fit this idea he had at all.
When I was with this person, he thought anything I did that wasn’t soft, pretty, and feminine was wrong. This included urging me to change clothes, curl my hair, sit with my legs crossed, and wear more makeup.
He saw these photos of me looking harsh and masculine and told me not to share them. He said “you look weird and like a guy. why would you ever want to look that way? Why can’t you just be more ladylike?” This really hurt. Not because he thought I looked masculine, but because he invalidated me for liking this side of myself.
I let these photos sit for so long thinking there was something wrong with me, and that I truly looked as ugly as he said I did in them.
Letting his opinion of me determine how I expressed myself is something I still regret.
All I can do is move forward though. I’m still working to embrace myself and the things that make me different. For so long I tried to fit into a mold of what others wanted me to be.
Gender, for me, is fluid. And lifting away the constraint of a gender binary has been so freeing for me.
I’m getting closer and closer to the person I want to be and am supposed to be. I hope today you take one step towards being the person you want to be as well.