Thriving and surviving.
This year I have tried as much as possible to battle through with a really positive mindset. It's helped and believe me it's there but this week it started to occur to me that there is a bit of me that feels broken. I still feel positive and strong and yes we are warriors but also we are warriors who if we were honest are not all ok. Not ok all the time. In fact if you are anything like me then that warrior mask slips it shows someone fighting to get back to life like a warrior but who sometimes just wants to sit and cry.
I feel like a warrior but I also wonder if I could have coped better, done more, cried less..... Someone more or less told me this week that my cancer wasn't a really serious one. I looked back at this year and wondered at what point I had made it look so easy. Had I actually done the right thing constantly battling to look like I wasn't dying .... even though I did a couple of times. By smiling and putting the make up on did I fool the world into thinking it wasn't as tough as it was. Believe me that wasn't the intention.
Did I do such a good job of looking like I was thriving when actually I'm just starting that battle that I did myself a disservice.
I've tried to balance my posts. I've tried to show the positive force but also admit when it was a tough day but maybe I should have made a point of letting everyone including myself see the bits when I really didn't feel bold or warrior like or strong or positive.
It's a rollercoaster both physically and emotionally. I'm fortunate enough to be able to control the down bits & steer myself back into uphill spirals and yes I have this happy spirit that's naturally there but I'm also exhausted, scarred, fragile, broken and at times think if I start crying omg I won't stop.
I'm grateful to be among those survivors but a long way from completely thriving.
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I will make a pathway thru the wilderness. I will make rivers in the dry wasteland. so my chosen people can be refreshed. They will someday honor me before the whole world #warrior#warriors
This week our #wcw is Queen Gudit of Axum
Gudit was an Ethiopian queen that ruled in the late 10th-century She is known by many names: Gudit, Yodit, Ga’wa, and Isato that seem to reflect her different characteristics. Her story is that of two conflicting narratives. On one hand, she is called Yodit meaning ‘Beautiful’ and is compared to the queen of Sheba in wisdom and beauty. She would rule Ethiopia for 40 years. On the other hand, she was a marginalized member of the royal house forced into prostitution then being exiled for allegedly seducing a priest and desecrating a holy relic. As a punishment, her right breast was mutilated and she was exiled. According to the legend, she married a Syrian Jew named Zanobias, son of the king of Syria. During a moment of political weakness, she conquered Axum, persecuting the Christians and setting fire to many churches earning her the name Esato ‘Fire’ in Amharic.
In trying to uncover fact from fiction, the legend of Gudit, seems very similar to the story of princess Masoba Warq of Axum. According to the royal chronicles, Masoba, the last daughter of king Dil Na’ad, married general Mara Takla Haymanot against her father’s will. The couple fled to the province of Lasta were they launched a coup and eventually overthrew the Axumite king pathing the way for the Zagwe dynasty.
Although what we know is based primarily on oral traditions and a few historical references, a few scholars challenge the image of Gudit/Yudit as a pagan queen who sought to eradicate Church and take revenge on the Axumite dynasty. Some have argued, citing the Masoba Warq story, that she was the legitimate heir to the throne and that her reign was relatively peaceful and that the stories circulating about her were created in order to discredit the Zagwe dynasty.
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