Today I got my first pair of noise cancelling headphones. I cannot begin to explain how much relief they give me. When I was a child I used to say to my parents, teachers and friends that the lights were loud, they didn’t understand, of course they didn’t.
When I was 6 I remember sitting in class and seeing the teachers mouth move, but I couldn’t hear anything. I Hurd the clicks of pens, the giggles of children, they scraping of chairs on the floor, kids blowing their nose, kids chawing gum, shoes scraping the floor and the noise of their coats, but not the teacher. This harmed most of my school life, my teachers didn’t understand, but they did know something was wrong, so I got a teacher aid, and we did separate work, out of the classroom.
From as young as I can remember my parents had me wear sunglasses, because I would cover my eyes or squint. To be honest, I don’t know how I went so long without a diagnoses, and for some reason it makes me mad, it makes me feel like I’ve been missed. Because for my entire life, I have gone through so much pain just because they missed me. The amount of doctors and psychologists I went to, how could they miss me? Why did they miss me? Was it because I look normal? Was it because I masked the pain or was I just really good at copying my neurotypical sister and friends?.
When I look back at my life, I can see a very happy kid, who has a lot going for her, but at the same time I can see a very unhappy kid and I feel so bad for my parents who had to deal with my tantrums in the supermarket and my sleepless nights and my screaming because of the school uniforms.
It shocks me that I’m 22 years old and I’m now still trying to get a diagnoses, because if I don’t, who will?
For so long I’ve masked it. I’ve kept it a secret. I would hide my struggles, because I thought I was just being dramatic, because that’s what I was told, that I was dramatic, and a princess. But that’s not true, I hated it when people called me that, I was never trying to be difficult or make life hard for anybody,especially my parents. I just had a very very different brain, and very high anxiety from simple things like light and sound. #autismawareness